Pants Not Required

#23 - Warcraft: Orcs and Heroes

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Hmmm that orc looks like he’s good at the craft of war…perhaps 2 good? What I’m trying to say is is that orc looks like the warcraft 2 CD cover.

Anyways! Our heroes watch as the orc they healed walks off into the desert. Jimmy runs off after him and our heroes decide that they should also follow, stealth like, sneaky, so that not a trace of them could be found. Well apparently Bowan’s idea of sneaking was firing his rifle into the air once in a while to keep the orc on it’s toes. But at least the others weren’t spotted. After some time it was apparent that the orc was leading them around in a bit of a circle. From previous knowledge the group knew that the orc camp was behind a large hill, so once they found a hill Arabella flew over it and spotted the camp. The heroes send Arabella to stealth into the camp to see what they were up against. She sneaks in with no problem and finds in a large hut around 15 minotaurs tied up, the orcs must have captured them recently. She also finds what appears to be the hut of the Orc Chief. Inside she finds a rather large chest, calling to her. She flies over to try and lock pick it. While doing so the Chief returns to his hut, poor little pixie had no idea what was coming. She was hit but survived! She pixie dusted the Chief and sent him flying, he yelled in confusion, and his band came running in. Arabella flew and dodged through the ranks of orcs and returned to the group. She explained what was inside and the heroes believed they should find the Minotaurs and trade this information for the missing daughter. Jimmy finds the group and leads them to the Minotaurs.

While intimidating the Minotaurs are rather friendly, and it turns out that the Minotaur that works for the heroes was once allianced with this tribe. The group meets with the Minotaur Chief, who is a complete badass with double ax(e)s and battle scars. He welcomes them. After some conversation he explains that they have the daughter but did not kidnap her. She was kidnapped by the orcs first, when the Minotaurs went in and killed the raiding party she was left there. Hunting humans assumed the worst and the Minotaurs had no choice to flee with her. The heroes say that they will return the daughter and explain the misunderstanding. They would also try to set up a pact between the city and the tribe. Once the explained that the orcs had a group of Minotuars however all plans were pushed aside for a bit. The Chief said it was time to go to battle, he invited the Minotaur who worked for the heroes to join him, he agreed. He also extended an invitation to the heroes, saying that their help would be appreciated. Our heroes agree! Time to prepare for battle. Bowan prepares to make duel wielding pistols for Jimmy, and Arabella decides that she will sneak into the orc camp and free the captive Minotaurs. Null (being over confident of the results from her role of the last few battles) plans to lead the charge into the camp as a badass bard leader.

Will our heroes ever not jump at the chance at battle? How amazing will Jimmy look with two pistols? Will Null actually run into the orc camp first screaming? Tune in and find out!

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#22 - Y u do dis?

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Is it time for our heroes to finally go into the desert and hunt down the dragon and other such main quest objectives? Nah, side quests. The Sheriff had mentioned needing help, so the heroes went to him to see what life changing missions he had for them. Turns out the daughter of a local rancher is missing! It is believed that she was taken by a local roaming band of Minotaur. The Minotaur are also one half of a bigger problem. They and the Orcs in the area having been warring and it’s getting closer and closer to the City of Doge. The Orcs are also stealing all the livestock, the Sheriff has sent Jimmy out to scout for them, but the heroes can go and join him. The heroes go to find the father of the missing daughter at the butchers shop. He explains that one day last week she just disappeared! He says that if they head to the ranch they might find some clues. The heroes gather up the Captain and his Minotaur sidekick, along with Cade.

So off to the ranch they go. Upon arriving they don’t see much, the house and barn appear empty, the fields are clearly empty (thanks to the Orcs taking all the livestock.) The group spreads out. Bashanu and Cade are bored and decide that they will sit down and be one with the rocks. Bashanu pulls this off rather easily considering he is a shardmind, Cade however looks silly. Arabella goes on a hunt for some animals to talk to, perhaps they might know something. Bowan and Null wander around outside. Bane however goes straight for the house, he creeps in, no one. He sneaks his way to one of the other doors. CREEEAAAKKK. Sweet sneaking skills Bane. The door is bashed in on Banes face, and an Orc climbs out the window and tries to make a run for it. Both Arabella and Bowan are behind the house, they unleash arrows and bullets into the Orcs’ knees and he collapses. The group gathers around the orc (expect Bashanu and Cade) and try to figure communicate with the Orc. The Minotaur they brought along unhappily translate for them. The Orc knows nothing of the Minotaurs and where they might have taken the girl, but he can say that the Orc camp is moving closer to the Minotaurs. Trouble is brewing.

Here is where things get interesting. The heroes spend nearly an hour arguing over what to do with the Orc with the destroyed knees. Arabella and Bowan want to kill him! While Bane and Null want to patch him up and send him on his way. This argument was full compassion and bloodlust. Neither side would budge and it came down to Cade translating for the Orc, asking what he wanted. The Orc choose life. Arabella asked if he was sure, if he wanted to live with busted knees, when the Orc said yes, she flew off in a bit of a huff. Bane and Null looked at the Orc, neither of them knew much healing. Suddenly if by chance Null magically healed the wounds! We praise thee Bob Saget! If you believe you will be healed! Uhhh..yeah.

Meanwhile! Arabella and Bowan went to the barn, there they found two dead Minotaurs. And off from the top jumps Jimmy the warforge. It appears that he killed these Minotaurs. Jimmy walks over the the Orc and aims his crossbow. Bane and Null intervene, explaining that the Orc is to go free. Jimmy is confused but seems to understand them. Bowan, who is extremely interested in Jimmy’s construction, says that it appears Jimmy knows the common language but cannot talk.

Will our heroes continue with these side quests? Or get bored and decide to run away and find a dragon? Tune in to find out!

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#21 - This here is Jimmy, he don't talk much

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The spider sharks, they’re after us! Oh wait…no they aren’t. After the battle on the boat a wave of spider sharks returns to the ocean from the City of Doge. But of course our heroes jump to conclusions and as a group runs passed the boat Bane and Arabella jump off the ship to protect the crew. Yeah…basically a waste of energy. The got more shark corpses though! Bane jumps back over the railing of the boat and yells “Get this boat moving!” However a couple of strange characters run over to the boat before they can get anywhere. A bug bear with a top hat and sweet sweet monocle introduces himself as Grayland Gibbens, the Sheriff of these hear parts. He is accompanied by an impressive warforge, named Jimmy, with hand cross bows and a poncho. Gibbens explains that the spider sharks come ashore to feed on whatever the fishermen bring back to market once a year or so.

The heroes go back into the city. Bane goes back to check on the temple to the Raven Queen. He finds it partially torn apart, signs of a struggle and nothing but the cape left of the High Priest. He returns to the ship to find Null meditating. He questions whether or not her mysterious elven contact had anything to do with the disappearance of the Priest as both events occurred in the same street. Null admits that it was indeed in the same location but isn’t sure if it had anything to do with it. She decides it’s time to come clean. She explains that she met with members of the Undying court, the source to which is puts her faith. They had asked if she would kill any who are faithful to the Raven Queen. She did not think she could kill either him or Heru. They have helped her in many times of need, and after being away from home for so long she wasn’t sure how strong her faith was in the Court. It was time for her to cast aside the Court as her Drow kin wished of her before she left the Underdark. Bane thanks her for the warning of the threat on his life, and as an act of peace gives Null one of his old short swords. With the new crazy dragonborn sword at his side he would not have need of it. “One last thing, where might I find these Elves?” He asks. Null laughs, “No need to find them, they’ll find you once they learn of my betrayal.”

The crew spends some time gathering supplies for their desert journey and sometime training those they would bring with them. On one journey into the city a clearly rich dwarven man named Hafar approaches them. He asks if he might convince the heroes to collect a lamp from a temple in the desert. He claims that the temple is full of treasure and that they may have all they can carry if they bring back the lamp to him. Arabella is immediately interested in this quest, he eyes glitter at the thought of gold. After a quick conversation the heroes agree that if their own quest brings them near the temple they will retrieve the lamp.

Will our heroes get to leave the city finally? How fast will the Undying Court learn of Nulls sudden but inevitable betrayal? Will I mention the other heroes in our next adventure log? Tune in and find out!

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#20 - Silaphith, we hardly knew thee

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With a scream and a sickening crunch, a spider shark tears Silaphith in two. It was just that fast, nothing could be done. Who would tell her 6 children? What would they tell them? Serious Bard skills are going to be needed to spin this tale into something more than just ‘wrong place at the wrong time.’ Ionwë, Laerwen, Castien, Reialiel, Kiirgos and Eccawen will need a better tale than this.

The other heroes rush from below decks at the sound of screaming. 3 other spider sharks scuttle up the side of the ship. The battle begins, and quickly they learn that spider sharks are not to be underestimated. the group makes it through the battle, tired and a bit beat up. No chance for rest now, there is the entire City of Doge to save. Will our heroes be affected by this loss? Will they just say ‘forget it!’ and roll out of the port?

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#19 - Spider shark, spider shark, does what ever a spider shark does

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Hold on to your butts, a lot of information is going to be thrown at your face.

When we last left our heroes a number of the crew were left unconscious and dying from the dark magic of the cursed island. The Ax(e) of Justification lands in the port of West L.A., a colony city of Sador called City of Dodge. The city lies on the edge of a great desert, a desert filled with dangerous creatures like orcs, Minotaurs and strange elves. Peter the Cleric wants to bring the sick to the Church of Pador, where he has connections and can get aid for the crew. When they arrive the Priests of Pador gladly help an old friend. They bring the sick to a healing room and ask that the others leave. Bjarn stays in the church to keep an eye on things while Bane and Bashanu want to go and find a Temple of the Raven Queen to find more information on the sword of darkness that they’ve been carrying. After much stumbling around some buildings they find the temple. The priest there tells them that sword harbours a vengeful spirit, but they can mind meld with it to see who it is and what it wants. Bashanu melds with it through a ritual performed by the priest. Within the sword Bashanu finds a space that is completely white, after muttering something about racism, he sees a might dragonborn. This dragonborn is or was clearly important as he wears the fanciest of clothes. The dragonborn tells Bashanu that he seeks revenge on the Dragon of Death, the very one our heroes believe is in the desert. Bashanu returns to his own mind and relays the information. The sword then speaks to Bane and with his permission the sword and Bane become melded, Bane’s arm looks infected for a time but then returns to normal. They thank the priest of the Raven Queen and leave. On the way back to the ship Bashanu spies something in a store. One of his old tools! A saw to be exact. With nothing else to bargain with Bane offers the crazy sword in exchange. The shop keep agrees and they take the saw a leave. Around the corner Bane calls the sword back to him, a new trick after being linked to the sword, and returns it to it’s sheath.

Once back at the Church of Pador the pair find that everyone is alive and well!They thank the priests for all they have done and leave to deal with the important manner of where can they sell the leftover Kraken. They discuss a number of plans and in the end sell everything but a small square of the leather for armor for Arabella and the skull to a seafood place. Along with that they sell the recipe Ellie Joybell created, which she is beyond excited for.
They go back to the ship, they talk about their trip into the desert to find this Dragon. In order to do that they’ll need supplies. Null offers to hunt around the city for the best deals and takes Peter a long with her.

While out someone from the shadows calls to Null. It is an elf, he appears from the shadows and asks that she follow him to talk. Null agrees but tells Peter to go back to the ship and tell everyone what happened, if she doesn’t return they know where to look. They walk down the alley and to a building. Inside there are other elves. They greet Null with a smile and say that it is nice to see her in person as they have been following her for some time even if she has not always followed them. Null inquires about this, as it turns out these elves are a part of the Undying Court, the deity in which Null places her faith. They tell her of the courts plan to rid this plane of all who put faith in the Raven Queen. The Court believes that the Raven Queen is interfering too much where she shouldn’t be and that she should be destroyed. Now is the time for Nullshalee Barrivirr to prove her faith and loyalty to the Court and kill the two members of her crew who openly support the Raven Queen, Bane and Heru. Null is a bit shocked, she has never had her faith questioned it has always been strong, but could she so easily turn on Bane and Heru? This will have to be thought over carefully. The court tells her she has time to think about it, but be too long and they will have to send agents to do what she cannot. Null bows and takes her leave, blankly wandering back to the ship. The group questions her a bit when they get back, but she doesn’t say much. Night falls and most of the crew goes to sleep, Bashanu wanders the deck to pass the time while Null meditates and considers the days events. Silaphith and Helor take watch. Hours pass and Null is disturbed from her meditation by a scream, she runs to the source. Silaphith the elven woman is being bitten by a spider shark! A quick survey shows that there are more of these creatures scuttling up the side of the ship and even more screams can be heard from the City, it must be being over run! Null readies an arrow in her bow, times slows, we might not get out of this alive.

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#18 - We have faith in thee, Bob Saget

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With the mighty Kraken finally defeated our heroes argue about who’s to go to the bottom of the ocean and fetch the carcass. While they argue Okle finishes the repairs on the boat, it’s not perfect but it will get them to safety with no problem. Annoyed with the arguing Bashanu ties a rope to his faces and dives into the water, after some time he brings the kraken head back up to the deck. Alphonzo struts out onto the deck and claims that he could have reasoned with the kraken and avoided this whole ordeal. Bane reasons with Alphonzos face with a quick slap. Near the helm Roywin is trying to figure out their direction, with much cursing and the calling of Bob Saget, she declares that they must wait until night to see the stars.

A thing happens, then something something something…all of a sudden the heroes are on an island! Seriously, I totally paid clear attention to what was going on.

The island feels…dark…There is nothing good to come of this. They find some huts, within in them is a man, clearly he has lived here for many years. He talks with the heroes, shows them a map and some other documents. Arabella insists on looting the area, he probably doesn’t need his stuff right? Bane is twitchy, he certainly doesn’t want to be here or have anything to do with this island. Meanwhile the captain has gone missing! Before anyone actually starts to worry he finds the group with a strange rock in hand. Null checks on the strange rock with magic, it’s not good. She tricks the captain into handing her the rock, which she throws right back into the jungle. Before anyone can touch anything else Bane sticks Arabella in his backpack and they all head back to the boat.

With no wind to help them sail, Bashanu dives back into the ocean with a rope and drags the ship behind him. The crew helps by manning the oars. After sometime most of the crew go to rest with Bane, Bjarn and Null taking over. Null begins to feel weak, must be from the rowing, she isn’t meant for physical labour. Time passes, and even weaker she feels. A quick check reveals this is magic in nature, but it must wait. The wind picks up at last. The heroes head to the deck, Null finally gives into the magic and collapses. What could have caused this? That rock from the island? Where’s the captain? The heroes haul Null to the captains quarters, where they find the captain dead…or he at least looks dead. They see an amulet on him he has never had before. Arabella goes to grab it, she faints. Bashanu grabs the amulet and throws it out the window. A knock on the door reveals that this magic is wide spread. Bjarn reports that Torggla, Alphonzo and Ellie Joybell have all suddenly collapsed. Bjarn runs back with Peter the cleric, and the only medic on board. He gives it all he’s got! The captain lives! But he will not last long. The others are alive but weakening fast, they must get to port. Will they get to port in time? Will they all survive? Will I actually pay attention for the whole session? Tune in to find out!

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#17 - Alright chums let's do this!

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Oh the Kraken didn’t like that evil sword, not one bit. It shakes around, Null takes this chance to land a powerful strike against the krakens head, allowing her allies to heal as they attack it. Both Bane and Bashanu take advantage of this before it sinks below the surface. Bane gracefully back flips of the kraken landing on one foot on the ships railing, it was so graceful in fact that doves materialize out of thin air. There is a moment of calm, the heroes regroup and wait. Bowan recalls in history that the Kraken often tries to take the ship down in one piece as it’s last attack. History repeats itself as eight of the krakens tentacles reach up around the ship and start to crush it.

The heroes attack, Null runs below deck and rallies the ship hands to man some of the canons. CRACK! The front of the Ax(e) of Justification crunches under the grip of the kraken. FIRE! Two canon shots ring out, felling two tentacles. Two more are destroyed, but the ship is taking on heavy damage. Okle and a very unwilling Vagin appear above deck. Okle begins to repair what he can, Vagin just stands there, with Null no longer threatening him and everyone else is busy, he becomes completely useless. Only two tentacles remain. But they are enough to pull the boat to side, causing everyone but Arabella to tumble. Bowan falls over the railing along with Vagin. Torggla falls through a canon port (with much hatred) and lands near the other two. The last two tentacles are severed, but it’s main body is still out there. The ship rights itself, Null runs back outside, and throws rope to the crew overboard. She hauls them part way out with her amazing double crit! (whatwhat?!) Bashanu walks over after making sure that Cade is alright and grabs all three ropes and with one motion hauls all of them back to safety.

What will happen next? Will the kraken reappear? Will our heroes make tons of money from all the kraken meat lying on their ship? Will Null accidentally kill four crew members with critical fails? Probably!

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#16 - Release the Kraken!

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Our heroes have a quick chance to prepare before the Kraken. Most of the crew makes their way down below deck, to keep safe and to man the cannons.(Helor squeals in excitement.) Cade stays on board, he wants to help the man..rock…guy that saved his life. Bowan created a brilliant plan, shove tons of gun powder in a barrel, light it and throw it at the kraken. The deep sea charge has been born! Bashanu runs to the engines to talk to the water elements, he asks for advise on fighting Krakens, all they can tell him is to destroy the head, they will just waste time fightings its arms.

Back to the deck. Everyone prepares themselves. They set up defences, and wait. The Kraken strikes! Five arms reach out of the water and begin blindly swinging at the heroes. Bashanu and Null and wrapped up, Bashanu bashes the arm and frees himself, Null however is still trapped. There is no sign of it’s main body, so our heroes begin to fight the tentacles, hoping to reduce the number of them. Then all at once, more arms and the main body of the Kraken appear! Time for some fireworks. Bashanu grabs one of the charges and lobs it at the main body. It hits! With a great explosion the charge greatly wounds the Kraken. Without hesitation Bane takes a running leap and jumps overboard, now is the time to use the great demonic blade of Vico Vicario. He stabs at the Kraken, it wails in pain. The blade glows darkness, whispers begin to over take the sounds of the wailing. A voice screeches out “NOW YOU WILL FEEL POISON!” The kraken reacts violently to the sudden dark poison now flowing through its veins.

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#15 - I'm on a boat!

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It’s going fast! and I’ve got a…uh nevermind.

When we last left our heroes they had just hired an entirely new crew to help them cross the unknown sea. Each with their own back stories and personalities! Which means it will hurt even more when the heroes use them as canon fodder. The crew is as follows.

Navigator- Roywyn (F, Gnome)
Helmsman-Cade (M, Halfling)
Carpenter-Okle (M, Human)
Master Gunner-Helor (F, Half-elf)
Cook-Ellyjoybell (F, Gnome)
Big Man-Bjarn (M, Human)
Hired Help-Torggla (F, Dwarf)
Deckswab-Vagin (M, Human)
Master of Languages-Alfonzo (M, Elf)
Heavy Lifter-Garur (M, Dwarf)
Heavy Lifter-Golin (M, Dwarf)
Hired Help-Silaphith (F, Elf)
Hired Help-Mizra (F, Human)
Hired Help-Kenneth (M, Halfling)
Medic-Peter (M, Human)

After a quick introduction the team sets off. They don’t get very far before a storm suddenly appears and begins to beat up the ship. With quick thinking Bane ninja kicks the drunken captain below deck before he goes over board. Everyone ties themselves down and Bashanu runs to the helm, Cade is struggling against the waves. Bashanu picks him up in one arm and proceeds to pilot the ship threw the waves. There is something more to this storm than just nature. Something strikes the side of the ship, causing the railing to break and 2 of the new crew members to fall over, the saved by their rope ties. Just as they are rescued something hits the other side of the ship and another crew member falls over. They rescue him and Bane climbs to secure the rigging, he shouts that this is an unnatural storm and Arebella attempts to find a way out of its path. Null keeps the spirits of the crew up as the waves seem to get more intense with each pass. Bashanu rides the waves out of the storm. Once at a safe distance they see that the storm did indeed have more to it, as giant arms of a kraken appear from the surface of the water!

Our heroes get to fight a kraken! Will they be strong enough to protect their crew?

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#14 - It's freeeeeeeee

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On the way back to Dragon Port our heroes finally getting a chance to ask some questions of each other. This is really the first time since the beginning of their adventure that they could talk without slaying anything. Bane is clearly keeping information about himself secret. The group doesn’t mind, he’s been very helpful, why question that? Arabella explains that she is not very welcome among her kin, she goes a bit moon crazy and tends to want to hurt and loot people. Yeaaaaahhhh. With that our heroes turn to the question of what do they do now? Bane pulls out the map he collected from the caves and points to one of the draconic symbols. “This belongs to a clan of Dragon Born across the sea” he grunts “Probably the best place to start.” With them all in agreement the group rests the last of the journey back.

Once in Dragon Port the group finds their lost boat and realizes they are going to need a new crew, only the Minotaur and that bug guy remains. Word on the street is that the best place to hire crew is from Sven Ironhammer, a dwarf who can be often found at the local pub handing out free drinks. Free drinks? Well of course they need to go there! Once there our heroes can see that the pub is quite busy and Sven Ironhammer is dancing up a storm in one corner. Bowan and Null approach the bar, get some drinks, and then wander over to Ironhammer to begin discussing a crew.

Ironhammer greets them warmly and is quick to start the bargaining for the crew. Looks like our heroes needs to make a bit of money. Null really wants to battle the Bard playing for the crowd to make money that way but Bowan has better ideas. Drinking contest! He challenges Ironhammer, he Bowan wins he waives his fee for the crew, if Ironhammer wins Bowan works for him. Null goes to ask the bartender for the drinks, and persuades him to water down Bowans, not that she doesn’t have faith, she just wants to guarantee a win. Ask the drinking contest begins a crowd swarms around and Null begins a betting pool to earn more money. The contest goes great for Bowan who really only gets a bit drunk. Ironhammer falls to the ground, Bane steps into pick him up and helps himself to some money from his wallet. With that our heroes goes to “SVEN IRONHAMMERS EMPLOYMENT EMPORIUM” where they get the contacts of the crew members.

Our heroes are now ready to sail across the ocean! Not bad to have accomplished all this before noon.

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